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ALSO IN EDITORIAL

Dood, Can I Have Some Gold Plz?

Ask Torden

Remembering the Good Old Days



Ask Torden

Answers to tough questions, by Torden Busker

Dear Torden,
How much should I tip the portal Gothi? Should I tip them all or just Gothi Stor?
-- Port In A Storm

Dear Storm,
You tip the Gothi? What are ye, made of asterite? You already spent good coin on that pretty necklace that ye only wear for ten minutes before it falls to dust. The Gothi only work for a few seconds every ten minutes. Unlike us warriors, who get only a few seconds rest out of every day! Truth be told, it only takes one of them to do the job, not nine. Theyíre lazier than Barkeep Prugarís wife! Ye want to reward that kind of laziness? I think not. No, they need no tips, other than to not trip over their robes on their way down the stairs. Har!

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Dear Torden,
I am a 36th season Spiritmaster, and I quite enjoy spirits of the liquid kind. It was after a mead-filled adventure I had an encounter with a young lass who was the daughter of a stable master, only I canít remember which one. As her father wonít approve of the magic we spun that night, I've been afraid to take a horse since then. Iím tired of running! What should I do?
-- Unstable

Dear Unstable,
Ye need to stop yer runnin! What kind of ninny be ye? You summon the powers of death to do yer bidding every day and youíre scared of the horsey man and of runnin' your little leather boots off? You need to make a choice. Either face up to the consequences of your night of passion, or get used to walkin'. Though I have to admit, a stable master would probably be about as thrilled to see his pride and joy paired off with a guy who plays with imaginary friends as I would be kissing a troll! Good luck, hee hee.

- - -

Dear Torden,
My best friend and hunting companion is a powerful warrior, but his taste in armor is somewhat lacking. He wears leather with studded, and sometimes studded with chain. He dyes it all the colors of the rainbow. While it certainly must upset the tender stomachs of Elves and Avalonians, after a few minutes on the trail it tends to make me cross-eyed as well. Itís gotten so bad we have a hard time getting hunting groups. Though deadly in battle, he has delicate feelings. What can I do to suggest he gets a more appropriate wardrobe?
-- Cross-Eyed Seer

Dear Cross-Eyed,
What kind of pansy are ye, all worried about da colors? It's all the same color after a hard day of battle -- bright red with the blood of the enemy! Maybe there's another color underneath that perfectly matched set of armor ye are wearing -- yella! Besides, dem garish colors probably distract the enemy as much as you, so get your head back in da game. Next!

- - -

Dear Torden,
Ever since my husband was promoted to Keep Lord, heís become distant and remote. He just sits all day in his keep tower, never responding to my questions, his only interaction is to look vaguely in my direction. Itís ruining our marriage, what should I do?
-- Lorded Over

Dear Lorded Over,
Aye, the life of a Keep Lord's wife is a tough one. Always alone, night after night, as your husband keeps watch over his precious keep rather than his precious love! I have seen it too many times before, and I too know this loneliness of which you speak. If you would be so kind as to give me your address and your husband's watch schedule, I would be happy to come over and help you get through this difficult time.

- - -

Dear Torden,
I sometimes hear people mutter da letters ďE. Q.Ē What do dey mean?
-- Big Shmart Troll

Dear BST,
Youíre doing well to know two letters of the alphabet, my big dumb friend! But itís not letters they mutter, itís the sound ďEaiiii Keeew!Ē Which is, of course, the sound that an elf makes when you hit it with a hammer. When someone says it, theyíre usually remembering battles fought long ago. Get that person back into the present, thereís plenty of things to be killed now without remembering stuff you killed way back when!

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That's all for now, advice seekers! But I'll be back soon to solve all ye problems, so try to keep it together until then, eh?



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